tub

by Hanna Elson

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1.
03:19
2.
01:58
3.
4.
02:30
5.
01:23
6.
01:08
7.
8.
03:42
9.
01:33
10.
11.
03:24
12.
03:12
13.
01:27
14.
04:04
15.
01:47
16.
01:55
17.
18.
01:46
19.
02:40
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23.
02:43
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25.
01:57
26.
05:15
27.
03:55
28.
06:00

credits

released 27 March 2014

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Track Name: secret poem
Girl in a green bikini top
fishes for small pills
in a sugar bowl.
She leads Danny to the closet,
takes off his pants,

ties him with a leash,
nails him to the wall.

“You stay here.”

She sings to him, and he’s

all over the cowboy boots
she’s had since she was sixteen.

He’ll sleep, leans into
the soft dresses, and she’ll

go out, lie belly-down in a dead
garden’s dirt, find a colony of ants.

She rises to her knees, up for air,
shudders, remembers

photographs of
Danny turning blue.



She sets out cans inside the door frame

Silver and rust.
Wears a white smock, and sits down on the rug.

She was walking through the house
all dirt-colored feet,

counted—one, two head bobs—
Samantha praying for his body.
Track Name: That kitten child walkin funny
My daddy says that farmers’ eyes

play tricks on them, make angels where there aren’t any
all the time. No such thing as ghosts, only lonely people.

The kitten, child, walkin
funny

electrocutes the other kids. They’re only playing

‘til quarter note says, “Please.”
And whole note’s heavy
sad voice wakes the dormant

flowers listening
almost

drowns the voice in gold.

takes

little flower on the tongue
and brings her to another mouth.
open a wound where
the prehistoric lives. And Flower

flails about. It’s hot

in her dead mama’s coat.

Her jerking body stole from us:
big, bright moons low in the sky,

Meat and bones, because they breathed,
dense, blanketing for weeks.
Track Name: salvation
Mars on a wooden beam—
My husband and his grandfather built this house.

I know she don’t like hanging.

The kids string her hair with beads (snapped
necklace from an ex-lover, the feeder).

Her mother takes down the
humming bird feeder before
it freezes. The woman’s

red dress falls before my eyes.
She matches the wood this house

is made of.
Track Name: predatory
I'm coming out of coma.  Cookie.  Cookie your boots are hurting me.

    
But I wasn't kept in jars.  I wasn't convinced we'd suffer.

    
So Bunny you never got me and Cookie you never really got me either.
Track Name: On her hands like a dog
Meat and bones, because they longed for touch,

Junie pins her mama’s vintage
Dior tight; waist and pits,
bits around the skirt. Mama
practiced motherhood a funny way

Junie

jams a scissor through the heart,
plunging neckline

pre-language.

On her hands like a dog



D Am
D Am
D Am G
Track Name: Hospital
Night rambling, I couldn’t

so, so, so sweet depression
place: I want to kill myself
scuffed the white walls

I watch black crawl across
the insolent sky is ours

nonsense, idea, her acting it
but I built something here

instead of glass pieces, slept
person: the self in dirty white dress
ripped embroidery out of my skin

I listen to voices I’m paranoid of
Track Name: Gone Fishing
Forget even the idea of love.
Drop your heart into the ocean.

Fish it out. Fish it out, you sick fuck.

Soulmate with no soul,
won't you? Won't you fish it out?
Track Name: silver
6AM, drugs in the
yard with new weird
America drone. Love,

love, tongue
the last of it.

Chemistry sets.
Watercolor sets.

Writing music on a wall
under her window.
Track Name: low g
She stops breathing.

She could breathe anywhere.
Why here?

Each person’s reading me, she thinks,
when fever waits too long to come.

White stars sound
miles from us bathing in the heat.

Her body plays one long note—
Low G. Only the planet left,
its long vibrations.

Her viola had fallen on a rock.
The dark wood looked ill in
the color of the dirt.

Sirens rose and fell.
Black night came to Co. Rd. 25.
Track Name: dicking around (tear the ego out)
Hospital.  Submersion.  Tears the ego out like a dirty menstrual pad.  All the horrifying—so what?  Stop now, and drop out, little faun.  I have a tormentor.  I become non-binary.  I’ve removed the girl label.  Now I am a voice.  She likes her lips bein’ touched.  (If I’ve shed “everything.”  I draw a cloud.)
Track Name: cinderella
Honey, I come to you. Honey, with everything I’ve got. Peel me till I’m small enough. For you. You require broken birds and small bones. I suffer your love along with myself.
Honey, give me your lungs. I’ll keep them lonely. Close your eyes until I can help you see.

“Oh Cinderella, you so fine. I found your shoe, I threw it in the bonfire.”
Track Name: dead girls demo
Paisly let ivy
grow on her
bed frame.

She played corpse
in her underwear
at her sixth birthday party.
Track Name: birdcage
Drop acid in the car
Pick it up

Night never
interrupted by

You need care
You take it

Front porch
Sit in my bassline
Bzzz, bzzz



gives you gender

Let’s play
but I bring the dark side

If we climb
birds and snakes
as steps if we

stop in Brooklyn

if we talk strategy again

I’m climbing down the dark basement steps. Pitch black, then eyes.

Third eye’s hiding in her underwear



Sun rising spills DNA
Open window taunts a silver airplane

Women won’t let men, say
they have to learn

I run my fingers through your hair

isn’t castration, only a mouth
Rumi said There’s no room for lack of trust, or trust



Car ride through mtns
Held my hands, pulled mouth down to floor
My body next to Sara’s

I could be unbreakable, 87mph



Stand above me
angel, spirit, beautiful mystic

Look at me like I have it coming



I’m no ghost, no vision
can’t be no small, little, lost bird
Track Name: bleecker st.
A knock on the door. Somebody’s daughter. She’s pinning me to the floor. She’s singing, “Somethin’s gone awry,” over and over in a voice I’ve heard before. She’s got something I can’t have, something wrong, some dream that screwed her till she woke up on Bleecker St talking. didn’t know what she was doing.
In the book, I called him Jack. I told him who I’d slept with. I drew him pictures of my dreams, of carnival horror. I told him He didn’t love me the way I loved him. He played his blues and remembered the things he’d lost. Like Other women. Parts of his life.
Every day. You loved. Belonging to friends. No one is careful, we all run, see too far, come. Never stay. Always want. You loved. Belonging to her. Coming. Both of us died, we don’t care, we don’t exist. Knowing, knowing, knowing me.
the drinking helped. it felt like living, i can’t apologize. and i felt fine, i pushed the mud from my mouth.